My Seven Rules Of Driving In San Antonio

Possibly a part one. Depends if I can think of more or not. Obviously our city needs some help with the following:

1. When driving, keep in mind that the turn signal is there for a reason. It is not there for decoration, nor is it there to play around with. You, the driver, are supposed to use it. I know, it's a wild concept, but bear with me as I break even more scandalous news to you: There are specific cases in which the turn signal is to be used! I know, I know, it's shocking, but here's the deal -- whenever you're about to turn, either right or left, or whenever you want to change lanes, you are supposed to use the turn signal to indicate which side/lane you want to turn onto or into, the right or the left, before you actually do it. That way all the other drivers around you know what it is you're going to do before you actually do it.

2. Another shocking concept is this: There actually exists a "slow" and a "fast" lane on roads that consist of more than one lane. Let me help you out here just in case you've never heard of this before -- if you are on the left or "inner" lane (according to my mom it's the "inner" lane), you are supposed to go fast, and if you are on the right or "outer" lane, you are supposed to go slower. (Though not too slow, not if there isn't a lot of traffic around.) If you cannot bear the thought of going over 40 miles per hour, by all means stick to the right lanes of all main thoroughfares unless you need to turn left, and even then only switch over when you see the need for you to. Also, even though you're in the "slow" lane, don't take up half a minute just to turn right. Little old ladies with arthritic hands and joints don't even take but (usually) five seconds to turn, so any more than that is inexcusable unless, once again, unavoidable traffic tieups prohibit you from going any faster.

3. Pay attention to the road ahead as you drive. I am not going to have a shred of sympathy for you if you discover suddenly that the lane you are driving on is being closed at a certain point for the all-too ubiquitous road construction, and there were enough clear markings ahead to where even a half-blind octagenarian could've spotted the orange road blocks. You feel the need to switch over to the neighboring lane (which I've worked my way in) and I myself have seen how unmistakable that close-off is? Too bad, asswipe. You're just going to have to sit there and hope some overmushy sap lets you in before Ursula Pari and Steve Spriester have said good night. And yes, I am aware that sometimes there are occasions when road construction just sneaks up on you, and yes, I will take pity on you if I know that's the case. But really, there is no excuse for either accidentally or willfully ignoring what can easily be seen from a great distance.

4. No, you may not cut ahead of me. See that little rule about using the turn signal? If you exhibit even the slightest bit of persistence in using it when trying to get in front of me while I'm in a neighboring lane, I will let you in, even if I'm 35 minutes in to a 45-minute commute. But don't expect to rudely and abruptly sideswipe into my lane without me wishing I were a Wiccan into black magick, so I could cast a multitude of wicked spells upon you. BTW, I've noticed this condition persists mostly amongst rich old bastards and bags who parade about in luxury vehicles, usually BMWs, Mercedes, or Lexuses, who almost invariably have multiple bumper stickers plastered on in support of the current Bush administration. Suffice it to say, that's one stereotype that's actually true.

5. If you are the first vehicle waiting at a red light in the "slow lane" and there are people immediately in back of you who are showing, via their turn signals, that they want to turn right, don't be a lane hog and just sit there, being ignorant to those individuals' needs/wants. If you have enough room, move in closer to the left so the other cars can squeeze past and turn right. This will shorten the length and time of the overall queue and will get a whole lot more people thanking you and blessing you anonymously. Also, if you've absent-mindedly left the right turn signal on and you're stopped where one might very well turn right, don't be surprised when the people behind you who actually wanted to turn right flip you off and wish a prolonged and painful death upon you.

6. In cases where there is more than one lane to turn, turn where that lane leads you to turning. Don't gatecrash into another lane altogether without expecting a bunch of individuals who were actually following this particular rule to daydream about feeding you to the lions at the zoo. Why? Because that too is tantamount to cutting in line. Now, if for some reason you're lost to the point where you do feel the need to do that particular action, slow down as you approach the lane you're supposed to be in, then execute the turn signal and hope that someone will be kind enough to let you in. That will be okay. But sliding your way in? Oh no, that ain't going to happen if I have something to do with it.

7. White people: Stop driving around with your convertibles open in the middle of a typical 100-degree (Fahrenheit) summer. It just makes the rest of us annoyed and casts you as the subject of endless ridicule.